Together & Apart: How to balance healthy boundaries

Now, I am no relationship expert. I have had my shares of ups and downs in previous  relationships that definitely changed the way I perceive, give and receive love. Over the course of my dating years, I have noticed one common theme that arises whenever I get too comfortable - that is - setting healthy boundaries individually and together.

What is a healthy boundary exactly? In a relationship, having a healthy boundary is setting rules and expectations for one another to ensure balance and potentially inadvertently creating problems within your relationship. In an article by Mindful Health Solutions titled, “5 Boundaries To Set in Your Relationship that Benefit Everyone’s Mental Health,” the author states “​​Setting boundaries in a relationship is a way to cultivate mutual respect and a balanced partnership.” 

The article also notes that, “Boundaries act like invisible lines that help maintain a sense of individuality and mutual respect.”

Respect. A word that is used often, but defined differently, given the circumstances. In order to have respect in your relationship, you must have balance, and in order to have  balance, you must show respect to one another privately and when you both are apart. 

So what exactly does this all mean and how do you know if you have set healthy boundaries in your relationship?

Let’s dive into a few boundaries you and your partner could create together…

1. How you represent/present each other on Social Media: Social media is something that has grown over the course of a few years. As a society, we have way more access to each other than ever before - including our personal lives. One of the many reasons couples might argue is over how each other portrays themselves and their relationship on the internet. I get it. Before you were a couple, you had your own lives and posted whatever you wanted. While that should never stop, you should definitely take into consideration how your partner might feel. Maybe those thirst traps you used to post that your partner used to comment under makes them feel uncomfortable now, or his/her commenting heart-eyed emojis on the opposite sex’s picture might cause an argument. When you  commit to being in a relationship with one another, the “I’s” sometimes turn into “we’s” and you should take into consideration how the other might feel.

Another issue regarding social media which I know of too well is posting or the lack of posting of your significant other. You may be the private type, but your partner couldn’t wait to show you off to their friends and family. Now the two of you are having this huge disagreement which can possibly lead to insecurities arising and other dramas. It is super important that before or in the early stages of your relationship, you discuss these boundaries with one another. Your partner could have had an ex who never posted them to their social media because they were cheating on them. Maybe you previously posted an ex and women or men were private messaging you saying all sorts of things. The start to a healthy union is an open line of communication and being honest with yourself, and one another.

1. Privacy (Electronics & “Secrets”): Are you the type to want to know your partner’s whereabouts so you expect them to share their location with you? Does your partner peek over your shoulder when you are sending a text message to your best friend? How do these questions make you feel? Are these topics that are brought up in your relationship? Privacy is something that is essential in a relationship. Your partner is your best friend. You might want to share any and everything with them. You could have had an ex cheap on you so much in the past that now you need to know the passwords to their phones or social media accounts. Whatever the case may be, having privacy as a boundary is crucial for building a strong foundation. You could be so concerned about them cheating on you that you cause a rift in your relationship, ultimately resulting in the lack of trust and a potential breakup. 

1. Intimacy: Knowing your partner’s expectations when it comes to intimacy is crucial. While intimacy should not dictate the foundation of your relationship, it is a huge part in establishing trust and comfortability. Have that conversation where you both are listening and taking each other’s expectations, wants and needs into consideration.

1. Boundaries with Exes: If you or your partner have a special circumstance where either of you still keep in contact with your ex partners, an open conversation is definitely needed. This is such a touchy topic because people have various reasons why they still keep in contact with their exes such as sharing children, running a business together, family ties, and so much more. Assurance and validation is recommended due to the nature of the situation. Let your partner know the  reason why you and your ex are in  communication and how often you two will be talking to them. This does not make you look “weak” and does not mean your partner is trying to control you; this assures that you are not keeping anything hidden from them and opens a line of trust within your relationship.

1. Decision Making: The idea of gender roles comes to mind when considering making decisions together as a couple. Every relationship operates differently. You may have a male/female relationship where the woman exerts a more submissive role, and vice versa. You may also have a female/female or male/male relationship where gender roles are subjective. Ultimately, decision making is something that is opinion-based. Having said, I recommend hearing what each other has to say first before finalizing anything.

1. Setting Goals Together: If you plan to be with your person long-term, setting small and big goals for your relationship can be inspiring. Don’t you find it cute when you’re having small talk with your partner and they say something like, “when we have kids we should do this.” It catches you off guard because you probably didn’t even think that your partner was even close to thinking about having children. The comment doesn’t have to be that extreme; it could be related to you both working out together or taking your first trip together. Setting these goals can bring you closer and get you excited for your future together.

There are a number of ways to set these boundaries with your partner collectively, but now let’s discuss ways to establish them apart…

1. Personal Space: Respecting your partner’s personal, and vice versa, space should be honored. If you or your partner ever need time away from each other, be open about it and explain why you need this space. Sometimes spending a day or however long you both agree apart can benefit the relationship. You do not have to be, in the most straightforward way,  “all up on each other” 24/7. This could cause codependency and knock on wood if you two ever break up, could be an emotional rollercoaster.

1. Going out with Friends: Ever hear of the phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” While you or your partner’s love language may be quality time, sometimes spending too much time can become overwhelming. It is healthy to spend some time away from each other and have your own friends. If you and your partner share the same social circle, maybe asking one of your mutual friends to grab lunch so you can form a separate relationship outside of the one you have with them with your partner. It is completely normal and highly recommended and as long as there is an open line of communication and both of you respect yourselves and relationship when you are apart, this can strengthen your bond.

2. Setting Personal Goals: Remember when you said you wanted to go back to school to get that degree? Or you saved enough money to start that business, but you got distracted with being wifey or hubby? It’s time to refocus and check off our New Year’s resolution goals. While you are respecting your partner’s personal space and you both are spending time with your friends separately, now is the time to achieve those goals. It’s important to not lose ourselves once we get into a relationship. Be that person you were before you met them. The one who had his or her eye’s on the prize and persisted until you got exactly what you wanted.

3. Doing what feels Right to you, and not just to make them Happy: You are a human being who has the freedom of speech and the right to make decisions for yourself. Having said, if your partner says or does something that you do not agree with, you have every right to voice your opinion. We tend to become fixated on ensuring the happiness of our better halves, that we forget we are much deserving of that same grace.

Remember, balancing healthy boundaries in a relationship requires the work and effort of both partners. There is work you need to do individually, and as a couple to ensure that you both feel secure in the relationship.

Source(s): 

 “5 Boundaries To Set in Your Relationship that Benefit Everyone’s Mental Health.” Mindful Health Solutions.17 Nov, 2023. https://mindfulhealthsolutions.com/5-boundaries-to-set-in-your-relationship-that-benefit-everyones-mental-health/