My Toxic Tea: SZA's 'What Do I Do' Reminds Me Of The Time I Caught My Ex-Boy...I Mean Emotionally Unavailable Situationship 'Cheating'

Dec 27, 2024

5 min read

I think it’s safe to say that SZA fans were more than ready for her to drop her highly anticipated deluxe album, LANA. The singer/songwriter added 15 tracks to her 2022 second studio album, SOS.

We were still catching our breath after finding out that she would be embarking on the “Grand National Tour” alongside Kendrick Lamar. Then, she put extra cherries on top by releasing the visual teaser for “Drive” starring actor Ben Stiller.

A tour?! A new album?! And BEN STILLER?! SZA, please, girl. Give us a minute to gather ourselves.

So let’s get into this album.

It’s December 20 and I had just gotten home from the nail shop. I knew LANA had dropped, but I didn’t get the chance to listen to it yet. Social media was already giving spoilers, so it was about that time I saw for myself. The first track “No More Hiding” captured my attention instantly as she sings about how she wants to be in love and there’s literally “no more hiding” when it comes to that. “Everything I love, I gotta let go/Gotta break it if you want it to grow,” she sings to a smooth beat with a soft percussion. My instant thought was, “okay, this is a different side to her.” We’re talking about growth and letting go of things, essentially romantic partners, so that real love can enter. I felt that! It’s definitely a different vibe compared to the first track from her album SOS, which shares the same name. In “SOS,” SZA’s emotional rawness is felt as she sings about heartbreak and the heightened feelings that follow.

Then it was time for the second track, “What Do I Do,” and let me tell you, I was automatically in my feelings after the first line. “Last night, you called on accident/Heard you f***in’ on the other end.” If that line itself isn’t enough to have you crash tf out, I don’t know what is. Not that she has to give us a trigger warning, but SZA, sis, you had me a little choked up. This entire song hit a little too close to home. If you haven’t heard this song yet, please take a listen below, and then continue reading this article so you know exactly what I am referring to. If it gets you in your feels, I apologize in advance.

A few years ago, I was dating this guy. Let’s call him “P.” I’m definitely not ashamed to say that our “relationship” was messy. Actually, I have to be honest. I can’t directly call it a relationship. We weren’t official, but I was doing girlfriend things I had no business doing for an emotionally unavailable person who I wasn't even in a relationship with! I was content, because as sad as it is to say, and even sadder to admit, I was okay with having P around even if we didn’t have a title. I’ve grown, y’all. Spare me, please. To my knowledge, we had an agreement that we wouldn't be intimate with anyone else as long as we were dealing with each other. Well, that surely didn’t last long. I found out he wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain, and a few other things that made me look at him sideways. That’s a long story for another day.

Once I found out about this other girl, I saw a different side to him. He became more cold and the compassion he had for me previously slowly started to fade away. When SZA said “it’s too late, it’ll never be the same again,” I felt that a little too much, because once I found out about his other situationship, it was never the same. Keep in mind, this situationship with P had my anxiety through the roof. The smart thing for me to do was to just block his number and move on with my life, but I still had so much love for him. I tried to keep as much distance as I could from him, but he was still a big part of my life. My intuition, gut, or whatever it is you want to call it was ignited during this time, so I just knew when he was with her. Sounds crazy, I know. This particular day I knew intuitvely and literally that he was with her.

“Bet she with you right now, on it/I know she with you right now.”

I’m starting to think SZA made this song for me.

It was a Saturday morning and I’m at home, not in the best mood. I think I attempted to call him once, but he didn’t answer, of course. A few minutes later, I received a call back. I said “hello,” but at first I didn't hear anything. I automatically thought he must have buttdialed me, but I didn’t want to hang up just yet, because I wanted confirmation. Why would I want to hear something that I knew would break my heart is something I can’t answer. I think other women can attest to the fact that it’s something we just need to know. I didn't hear anything at first, but then I started to hear rustling, and I hung up immediately. I knew my anxiety could literally create scenarios for me to replay over and over again in my head for weeks, and I couldn’t stomach hearing anymore. Did I talk to him after this? Yes, for another year or so. Did I keep allowing him to break my heart? Yes, I did. I say “break my own heart” because I was allowing him to do this to me. I could have left at any moment, but a part of me wanted to stay. Talk about self-awareness. I literally broke my heart over and over again until I finally had enough.

Years have gone by and I am no longer entertaining this situationship. After some self-reflection, learning to love myself, and really acknowledge my self-worth, I am no longer entertaining things that no longer serve me. Similar to LANA where it feels like SZA is letting us know that she is breaking those old patterns and heading into a direction where she is putting herself first, I am currently on the same path. This is an album of growth and self-reassurance that I think we all needed to hear. It’s crazy to think that a song could remind you of a time you let love compromise your freaking dignity, all while simultaneously acknowledging that you aren’t that person anymore. Thanks, SZA. Didn’t know I needed that.