I Asked A Therapist Her Professional Opinion on Netflix Series, 'The Ultimatum'

I first heard about the Netflix series The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On through a random conversation with my friends. Our group chats consisted of them sharing their opinion on who their favorite couple(s) were, how they “could never go on a show like this,” and more. For those who aren’t familiar with the show, here’s a quick rundown. The series is essentially a social experiment, showcased for the world to see, where couples put not only their love to the test, but their entire relationship, after being presented with an ultimatum. Six couples break up with each other and go on “dates” with the rest of the group. Each participant chooses a new partner to move in with for three weeks to start their “trial marriage.” After that experiment, they move back in with their original partners for three more weeks to see if the trial marriage actually made a difference. 

Sounds like a lot, I know. It is!

 Let’s break it down. Just think of it like this; you have been dating your partner for two, maybe three, years. You know this is your person, and you’ve been hinting to them that it’s time to make it official and tie the knot, but they aren’t ready for whatever reason. You decide to go on a show where there are other couples in the same situation as you, break up with your partner, and move in with another participant to see if there is a connection elsewhere. At the end of this experiment, you either leave single, get engaged to your original partner or with the person you had the trial marriage with.

To many, being asked to go on a show that could potentially compromise your relationship is an automatic no, but for some, this might be the only option. Witnessing the emotional turmoil this experiment caused for many of the participants was heavy. My anxiety could never! I could only imagine the anguish many of them felt watching their partner interact with other singles, or sleeping in the same bed as someone that wasn’t them. 

As someone who questions everything and after recently finishing the latest season, I just knew I had to ask someone who has extensive professional experience in mental health care. I met Denise Hooks (@therapybydenise), a healing practitioner & licensed clinical therapist, LPC, a few months ago at a networking event. We exchanged social media handles and after being an avid viewer of her very informative videos on tiktok, it was without question an easy decision to interview her.

Here’s what she had to say…

Do you think issuing your partner an ultimatum is a healthy approach?

I think in certain circumstances issuing an ultimatum can be a very healthy approach. However, how you issue the ultimatum and in what terms you’re issuing the ultimatum really will be dependent on if it’s healthy or not. A lot of the times people end up issuing ultimatums that have been red flags since the day they met this person, and then all of a sudden, they are trying to ultimatum their partner. “I expect to get married in three years and I’ve known since I started dating this person that they have no deadline on when to get married or if they even want to get married.” Then all of a sudden three years hit and they are like “I’m issuing you an ultimatum. Get married to me now or it’s over.” That’s unhealthy and also you fail to address these serious red flags or at least your deal breakers from the beginning. We wear those rose colored glasses hoping that this person will be the potential that we want. Then we end up issuing an ultimatum. That’s an unhealthy version of an ultimatum, but I think there are healthy versions of ultimatums that are more about inviting everybody in the ultimatum to grow. When it is something like having kids, and maybe you want to have kids but it’s not that your partner doesn’t want to have kids, maybe they’re just scared. Maybe there is just some resistance you guys can’t seem to get through, but it’s an area of growth for both of you. So, where is an ultimatum here that could be healthy? Maybe my ultimatum is “I sense that you have some resistance in this area. I know you want to have kids but how about we commit to going to therapy for a year to figure this out so we can get a clear time frame on when we’re ready to have kids?” 

That type of ultimatum is the type that invites everybody to grow. Your partner is able to express their needs and wants, about who’s ready to have kids now and is more in the activeness of having kids. It also invites the other partner who may be having some resistance to that for whatever reasons and to be like “okay, I don’t feel forced into this. There’s an opportunity to grow around this and to figure out where my resistance comes from, and to ultimately be back on the same page as my partner.” 

Ultimatums that help us grow are the ones that are healthy.

Do you have any other alternatives couples can try aside from issuing an ultimatum?

A huge thing is having hard conversations upfront. I feel like we’ve made this some taboo like “if a girl talks about getting married on the first date then that’s a red flag.” If that’s a red flag, then this person is not for you. It doesn’t have anything to do with the person; you guys are misaligned. I really think having those tough conversations upfront and as soon as possible looks like “What will our next three years look like?” “What are you looking for specifically?” And not taking indirectness as an answer. Answers that sound like “yeah, I could see myself doing that,” “maybe,” “we’ll see”, or “I don’t like to plan the future” are waiting for natural disasters. Being specific, especially if you’re someone who has a clear idea of where you want your life going. If you’re also the person who’s like “let’s go with the flow,” that means you guys are aligned with that fluid process. Constantly doing check ins is super important. Every six months or every year check-ins to ask “are we still fluid” or “do we know where things are going or are we just chilling in this space?” Maybe one of you has changed and in the next year saying, “I would like to be here with you” or “I would like to be moving into this stage of life with you.” 

Obviously I am going to advocate for therapy. The thing about therapy is that most couples, or throuples - whatever dynamic you are in relationally - show up to therapy when it’s already too late. Inviting the therapeutic process into your relationship as a normative before things get super, super bad is very important. Don’t go to therapy just because things are really bad. Go to therapy when things are good. Go to therapy when you’re feeling good about your relationship and check in, in a therapeutic way, because you might find that those check-ins therapeutically are very different from the ones you do on your own. 

I do think ultimatums are important because sometimes therapy becomes the ultimatum. A lot of times, actually. Usually when it’s come to an ultimatum you guys are going (to therapy) a little too late. Sometimes saying “listen, look. If you’re not going to go to therapy then this relationship is over.” A lot of people don’t actually stand on business in that way. They will stay in the relationship, even though their partner has continued to deny therapy. 

Signing up for a show like this where you are basically putting your personal and relationship business out there for the world to see is a bit risky. What if your opinion(s) about publicly displaying your relationship on national television? Could it cause more harm to your relationship than good?

Well, first I’ll say, to each their own. I think that there’s a specific type of relationship that entertainment is looking for. We rarely get people in relational dynamics that feel good to us, as the public viewers. We constantly get relationships where there are huge red flags, and we can immediately sniff it out. I also think there’s an entertainment production component to that. I am really exhausted with this. There is a therapy show on HBO, but it’s about real relationships that are trying to fix or find out what’s going on in their relationship but it’s in a therapeutic office. They are getting therapy by a licensed therapist. It’s a RAW experience where it is so grappling, but we get to see these real people trying to figure out their shadows and what they are bringing to this relationship dynamic that is not working. They are also going through trauma like miscarriage, infidelity, betrayal, and things like this, but it’s real. People loved this show and there’s a reason we didn’t get this high drama field show that highlights a narcissistic personality trait. We just watched this narcissist wreaking havoc on a bunch of women and were obsessed and consuming it. I personally think shows like The Ultimatum, Love Island, and 90 Day Fiancé could write better than this. I also think that we can have high entertainment ratings if we’re not just obsessed with the negative skewed algorithm with it. If you’re in a relationship and you’re going on these shows you have to think of it very practically. Entertainment and production are not on your side. It’s definitely not on your relationship side. I don’t know about the background of production in the series, but I can tell that these couples and people are not getting nearly enough emotional support while on the show. We’re seeing this happen post show where contestants are coming out and filing lawsuits. This is real psychological damage people are going through, and they don’t have nearly enough support. Would I do it? No (laughs). 

98% of the time it causes more harm to your relationship than good. If you are one of these couples that the show did “good for you,” I think that’s because that is what production wanted. You just kind of got the good edit so you weren’t put through some of the emotional turmoil that the other contestants who show up on these shows were. For the rest of the contestants, the break up rates are insane. They aren’t making successful love connections. We get one every so often and it’s completely random. If we looked at the statistical data behind it, this is not a successful experiment. None of them are. I think it was Married at First Sight where they worked with a therapist and have the highest rate, but I would bet their ratings are going down. I remember when it first came on and it looks like a completely different show because they bought into the entertainment aspect of it. Unless I went on the show knowing that it is a complete game and that I have no strings attached to it really then I wouldn’t be going into it with serious expectations about it actually helping me. 

Follow Denise on Instagram and TikTok.