Besties, Self-Love Is CRUCIAL Before A Relationship...Here's Why

A few years ago, I was in probably one of the most toxic - I guess you can call it ‘situationships’- ever. This person did everything in their power to break me, and he did. I am not ashamed to say that I was indeed broken. I’ve been through a lot in my life, some of which I confided in this person about, that I was still battling with. I was in denial about my healing. I thought I was over my traumas, but I was just masking them by saying I was ‘okay’ and believing that if I didn’t think about it, it would eventually disappear. My pain was equivalent to putting ice on a broken foot knowing I needed surgery or having a huge cut on my leg and instead of putting creams and ointment on the wound, I put a bandaid over it and tried not to think about how much pain I was in.

To be frank with you all, this person treated me like sh*t, and I allowed it. I made excuses for his behavior because I saw the good in him. I thought we were destined to be together and this was the universe’s way of testing me. Eventually, after months of love bombing, going back and forth hoping that he would see the spark in me that I knew I had, the gaslighting, mental, emotional, and spiritual turmoil, I fell out of love with him. It was - a lot! As I look back on it all, I can admit that I didn’t love myself. Sure I used to be very vocal about loving myself, and when a friend was going through it in their relationship, my advice to her would be to “leave them,” but I can be transparent and reveal that I was in a constant battle with my trauma, the love I had for him, and my self-worth.

The title of this article is “Besties, Self-Love Is CRUCIAL Before A Relationship” and I meant every word of it.  Here’s why…

You’ll attract healthy relationships. 

When people say ‘my price just went up,’ I am a testimony that this correlates in relationships. When you have done the work, and by work I mean sought professional help (if needed), sat with your tears and emotions, spent time loving on yourself and not relying on love from another person, your taste in men and women will change. Your “type,” or what used to be your type, will be different. Your discernment when it comes to knowing when a person is trying to manipulate you or simply isn’t going to take you seriously will heighten. You will see a person for who they are instead of their potential, and you will not enter a relationship with the objective or mindset that you can change them for the betterment of the relationship. For the record, I am not saying that an unhealed version of you could not do this, but when you truly, as I like to say “are in love with yourself,” those red flags are not ignored.

You’ll be able to set and establish healthy boundaries.

Setting boundaries, in general, is super important. Whether it is romantic, between friends, family, or work, healthy boundaries are key to a sustainable relationship. This means being comfortable and confident when you tell your partner that certain actions or comments make you uncomfortable. It means you are expressing yourself from a healthy space opposed to an insecure one. When we aren’t secure with ourselves, we tend to make hasty decisions. This can look like you snooping through your partner's phone or wanting their passwords, constantly asking them about people commenting on their pictures on social media, wanting to know their whereabouts all day, and many others. I think we all can agree that this is not only unhealthy for the relationship, but for us as individuals. 

You won’t be codependent.

Relying on someone to constantly validate you or your feelings can be emotionally and mentally taxing. We should never place such a huge responsibility on another person. That validation you seek should come from within. Relationship ptsd is real, and I know that sometimes we can carry our frustrations and insecurities into our next inadvertently, but it can potentially hinder you and your partner’s growth as a couple. This is why I always advocate for anyone who just got out of a relationship to spend time being single. Spend some time healing, especially if that relationship was toxic and draining. Unbeknownst to us, we can lose ourselves in a relationship. Putting our partner’s and relationship’s needs before our own often becomes second nature. It’s not always done purposely, but when you are in love, it’s hard to not want to please your partner. Regaining or finding your self-love can be liberating. This means when you enter a new relationship you won’t seek validation from your partner, because you’ve already internalized your self-worth.

If the relationship ends, you won’t feel like a piece of you left with them.

Nothing hurts worse than being in love with someone and the relationship ends, especially unexpectedly. Knowing that the person you spent weekends with, talked on the phone to every day, vacationed together, and even lived together is now a part of your past is heartbreaking. Trust me, I know exactly how that feels. When you enter a relationship in a place where you love yourself enough to know that regardless if things end between you too, you will be alright. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that sh*t hurts. I’m not saying to disregard your feelings or act like you don’t care; that’s unrealistic. But knowing when a relationship has run its course, and when it is time to walk away, is priceless. 

Last, but certainly not least, self-love is freaking awesome! 

Aside from all the relationship talk, loving and showing up for yourself is so special. Nothing beats not waking up at 3, 4, or 5 am feeling sad because you believe nothing is going right in your life. Nothing beats actually being fine with not having a Valentine or someone to wear matching pajamas with on Christmas. Nothing beats not feeling like your world is falling apart or your self-worth being compromised because someone you thought had feelings for you hasn’t returned any of your calls. Nothing beats you simply not giving a damn if someone loses interest. Self-love means you are okay with being alone because you know you deserve better.

My bookies, I hope the love you desire finds you. And when it does, don’t think you need to compromise your morals, self-love or worth for it. Remember, the love you have for yourself is worth so much more than any relationship. Don’t settle. Never compromise. And keep showing up for yourself the best way you can.